Mr. X rates ALL the bars in Portsmouth

THE BEST

Dolphin Striker: If you’ve read this blog at all, you already know this is one of my favorite spots. Once known as “The divorcee bar,” it has since transformed into a hot spot for local music, featuring the likes of Jon Nolan, the Stubbies, Family Affair, Dave Gerard, and of course, the great Avi & Celia. It also boasts two of Portsmouth’s best bartenders – Ray, the #1 barkeep in the city, and Leo, a newcomer who wins big points for his willingness to jump out from behind the bar to deliver a beer. Also a good place to take a date. A+

The Press Room: I’ve told this story many times before, but when I first started coming here years ago, I couldn’t stand the place. I think it mostly had to do with the poor lighting and the clientele at the time, which included many members of the local press who thought they were much cooler than they really were. But since moving back to town, it’s become my go-to place, the place I always go at the end of the night, and the place where I know I’ll run into someone I know. I think my love of the place may have started with Greg’s gruff personality. Nothing was quite as fun as watching him give a customer a hard time, even as the customer had no idea he was messing with them. Tristan and Ryan have kept up the tradition of great barkeeps, and it also doesn’t hurt that the owner will occasionally take a turn behind the bar, or that they’ve got some of the best musical acts on the Seacoast. Oh, and the fact that when your wallet’s a bit light, you can drink PBR drafts on the cheap doesn’t hurt either. A

Harpoon Willy’s: Surprisingly, the ghetto Poco’s is probably the best bar on the decks these days. Poco’s is too expensive and usually too full of the trendy people, the Old Ferry Landing hasn’t been cool since the ‘90s, and the River House is still finding its groove. At HW’s, you can check out the seagull, drink a cold Corona can (or even a PBR summer these days), and shoot the shit with Jerry, one of the few bartenders in town since Greg bailed on us who will actually give Aaron Drew shit. Oh, and it’s also a pretty good place to go on a balmy Monday night if you want to hang with some of the BDR All-Stars (yes, we’re talking about you, PBR Girl). A-

Daniel Street Tavern: The crowd varies widely from townie/biker types to trendy super models in their mid-20s. You never know what you’re going to get. Music’s the same way. Sometimes you wind up with some dude with no teeth doing George Thorogood covers, and other times you get Family Affair tearing the roof off the place. Again, they win big points for the cheap beer and the personality of their bartenders, particularly Cyrus and Cambria. And the fact that they have a shoot-’em-up hoops game in the back. It’s also a great place to go for last call, given the unpredictability I mentioned previously. B+

Poco’s Bow Street Cantina: Much different vibe than D. Street, but it’s similar in that you never know what you’re going to get, particularly at the downstairs indoor bar. Some nights, White Girl and her crew will be holding court, and there’s no better bar in Portsmouth. Other nights, the stools are up on the bar by 10 p.m. It’s hard to tell. It doesn’t even seem to depend on what night of the week it is. In the summer, there aren’t many outdoor spots better than the Poco’s deck. B+

State Street Saloon: Before they renovated the place and got rid of the back room, this was one of the most popular and (believe it or not) trendy places downtown. But it’s taken a step back in terms of the crowds it draws. It’s definitely more of a townie bar now, but in the middle of winter, there’s nothing wrong with that. And again, they serve PBR talls, which allows you to drink cheap. Add in the fact that on weekends it occasionally attracts a bachelorette party or a crowd of women fresh off the harbor cruise, and it can still be a fun place to hang out. Oh, and don’t forget Mo behind the bar. B

Coat of Arms: Just your basic British bar. But even if you don’t like Snooker, and don’t know how to pronounce Smithwick’s (I’m told it’s “Smith-icks”), it’s a good place to hang. They’ve got an eclectic mix of tunes on the jukebox, ranging from stuff by Bell Biv Devoe to heavy metal. They’ve also got some funky beer-booze mixed drinks and some fancier stuff. And they’ve got that XXXX IPA that The Captain keeps talking about. B

Cava: Very pricey for food that’s just decent. But just the fact that it’s a wine bar makes it a great place to take a date — possibly the best place in Portsmouth. So if it’s a special date, take her here. Otherwise, head to Sake (see below) and save yourself a few bucks. B

Sake: Sure, there are better places to take a date in Portsmouth, but none that are this cheap and still able to impress. The sushi’s really good, and I always enjoy a cold Kirin Ichiban. B

Green Monkey: Haven’t eaten here yet, and The Beer Drinker and I did have that bizarre-o encounter with the old guy who wanted to buy us drinks and talk about his deadbeat son, but even so, it’s a good place to hang out, especially if you’re just looking to grab a fancy drink or two. When I was there recently, I had a Dirty Swedish Girl — easy now, it’s just a drink. B

Jumpin Jay’s Fish Café: Great fish (as you might expect), but it doesn’t come cheap. However, the beer selection makes up for the hefty price of the food. They not only have my personal favorite Brooklyn Lager, but they’ve got my favorite summer beer, Pacifico, as well. B

NOT BAD

Old Ferry Landing: Still not a bad place to go for one drink, but you don’t want to get stuck there for more than that (see the since deleted double date post). Also a good place to go if you need to jumpstart the night with a Jimmy Juice, which is sure to knock you on your ass. B

Rudi’s: Loved this place when it was the Metro, and I’m told it still has a similar vibe, with a fair amount of piano playing, good food, and good drinks. This is among The Beer Drinkers favorite spots, especially if you want to impress a date. B

Radici: Probably deserves a better grade, or possibly an incomplete, in that I haven’t really spent a lot of time here. In fact, the only time I was there this year, I was just drinking Bud Light a the bar. From what I’ve heard, the food’s pretty good, and The Beer Drinker raves about their Bloody Mary brunches. Oh, and Jay, the owner, is a pretty good guy. B

The Oarhouse: I feel strange rating this place at all, since I have never even been here. But because of what The Beer Drinker and others have told me about the place, I feel confident giving it a positive recommendation, instead of placing it in the incomplete category. Good food, good music, and a waterfront deck. B

Rosa: You’re not going to see any big crowds or meet many new people here, but it’s a solid place to meet a friend for a beer and some conversation. The food’s standard Italian style, with good portions and not too expensive. B

River House: High expecations weren’t initially met, but it seems to be improving, and it’s still a pretty good place to grab a beer and a free coozie (Brooklyn!). The presence of Aaron Drew behind the bar also scores them big points, although they’ve got to find a way to convince the city to allow them to have an outdoor bar. Oh, and put some friggin’ seats on the drinking-only portion of the deck. Mr. X doesn’t like to stand unless he’s waiting in line at Gilley’s. B-

Portsmouth Brewery: A long-time Mr. X/Beer Drinker hangout, especially in the days when the Jimmy LaPanza Lounge was rocking. And The Beer Drinker is a huge fan of everything Smuttynose. The only downside is they don’t really know how to make a good mixed drink. Food is very good, and reasonably priced, though. B-

Muddy River Smokehouse: This has always been a good place to catch a band, though  have to admit it’s been a while since I’ve been here. It’s also one of the only places (if not the only) to get good barbecue in town, though for years they didn’t serve brisket, which is unforgivable. Back in the day, The Beer Drinker really loved their “Pig, Pig, Pig” pork platter. They lose points, however, for cancelling their all-day Market Square Day music festival at the last minute. B-

Paddy’s American Grille: Haven’t been here in years, but they’ve got one of the best setups of any sports bars in town. Unfortunately for them, they’re located at the former Pease Airforce Base, which makes it a tough place to go if you want to jump from bar to bar. Good place to catch an NFL playoff game, though, and they’ve got good food and usually good music. B-

Ristorante Massimo: I have to admit that I haven’t been here since it was known as Anthony Alberto’s, but this basement restaurant on Ceres Street used to be my favorite place in town to take a date. I’ve been told it’s still very good, even though the Alberto’s part of the place broke off and took over the Barn Tavern in Dover (which is also very, very good). I’m going to check this place out again soon, but even based on my past experiences, I feel safe giving it a strong recommendation, with the caveat that I might have to adjust my grade soon… B-

The Rusty Hammer: Not a lot of ambiance here, but it’s a good place to watch a game and drink a few beers, and the food is fairly cheap, and consistently good, as long as you enjoy fried, non-healthy stuff. B-

Pesce Blue: Another place I haven’t been in years (do you sense a pattern here?), but they’ve got good food, and I’m told they recently added a new bar. I also like the fact that they’ve got outdoor seating smack in the middle of downtown. They lose a few points, though, due to the fact that that creepy keyboard player is always playing right outside. If they could get the Portsmouth po-lice to get rid of that noise pollution, they might move up a notch. C+

The Library Restaurant: Another great place to stop for a fancy drink or two if you’re looking to impress or just want a place where you won’t be drowned out by music. But due to the price, it’s not one of my favorite places to eat. C+

McMenemy’s (did I spell this right?): I’ve never been here, but again I’m relying on The Beer Drinker’s assessment. And he says it’s a pretty cool place to grab a pint, and they have a decent Sunday brunch. C+

Flatbread Pizza: OK, not really a bar, per se, but they serve beer. And some mean pizza, too. Plus, the Anchorwoman works there. C

Margarita’s: A bit off the beaten path, being that it’s located out on Route 1, but they’ve got decent Mexican food, at least for Portsmouth, and pretty good Margarita’s. The indoor bar can also be a pretty good scene on occasion, and they’ve got a decent deck, if you don’t mind dodging the mosquitos. C

THE REST

Blue Mermaid: They have Brooklyn Lager on tap, which is a plus. And they seem to occasionally land some good musical acts. But they tend to charge a cover when they have bands. And they have a trivia night. Ouch. C-

Red Door: Good mix of different bands, but I don’t think I’m cool enough to hang out here. And the beer is friggin’ expensive. C-

Brewery Lane Tavern: I used to think this was one of the best places to watch a game in Portsmouth. Love the fact that they kept the Gumbies (boneless hot wings) on the menu when they became the BLT. But a visit earlier this year to catch a Celtics playoff game changed my mind about the place. Terrible TVs, as Fredo was quick to point out. Food’s decent, and they’ve got some hot waitstaff. But overall, rather weak. Of course, if they got some better TVs, they could vault up a category. D+

Portsmouth Gaslight: Love the outdoor deck, even though they charge a cover. If that were all the place was, I’d put them in a higher category. But they have a terrible dance club upstairs that is a poor imitation of the now defunct Spin. I remember The Beer Drinker and I tried to get in there last year at some point and people were wearing costumes and shit. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Halloween. Pass. D

Four: Haven’t been there yet, but The Beer Drinker says I don’t need to go. D-

WALK (OR BETTER YET, RUN) AWAY

Ri Ra: It’s amazing to think how badly they screwed this place up. I’ve written repeatedly about the poor acoustics, weak bands, lame service and the high frequency of douchebag patrons you’re bound to run into if you decide to hang out here. And that’s not even taking into account the stools with holes in the ass. The only good thing I’ve heard is that the food is decent. The Beer Drinker has been trying to convince me that it’s making strides, but then he drops a story about the Foxy Golfer which just proves my aforementioned douchebag theory. F

Agave: Decent Mexican food and a good tequila selection, but there’s definitely some bad mojo at work here. F

TJs: Unless you’re 21 and have some fake bodyparts, don’t bother going here. Unless you enjoy ogling fake body parts, which may explain why The Beer Drinker always wants to stop in for a drink. F

Fat Belly’s: It’s basically TJs without the fake bodyparts. Which means there’s even less reason to go. F

Legends: You might think by my earlier rating that I think Ri Ra is the worst bar in Portsmouth. Nope. Legends somehow manages to combine the douchebag quotient of Ri Ra with TJs’ “too young” factor and Agave’s bad mojo. Ugh. F

Red Hook Brewery: I’ve never been a big fan of Red Hook beer, so they were in trouble with me from the get-go. Add in the fact that it’s located at Pease and they’re all done. F

The Page: Not only did I once see a dude get spiked in the head with a pint glass here in its previous incarnation as Bananas, but this is where many of the town’s (and out-of-town’s) meatheads tend to hang out. They do, however, save themselves from complete irrelevance due to the presence of The Captain’s pick for Portsmouth’s hottest bartender. F

INCOMPLETE

Brazo: I loved this place when it was 43 degrees North, but I’ve yet to eat here since it has been Brazo. I believe it is owned by the same people as the Green Monkey, and based on the number of attractive females I see coming out of this place whenever I head out to the bars, it seems to be a popular place for women to hang out.

Bella Luna: I don’t even know where this is. Sorry.

The Common Man: They’re just opening now, so I feel it’s unfair to rate them yet, but The Beer Drinker seemed to like what he saw during his recent visit. And based on their track record elsewhere in the state, they should do pretty well here, too.

Café Mediterraneo: People rave about the food here, and the bartenders. I’m looking forward to checking it out soon.

The Black Trumpet: I’ve heard great things about this place, and they seem to have a lot of cool themed dinner deals, but I haven’t eaten here yet.

Blue Claw: Haven’t been here yet, though I hear they do have some sort of an outdoor deck on the river.

The Dunaway: Haven’t been there, so I can’t really comment on it. I understand it’s pretty fancy, and the chef comes highly recommended.

Hilton Garden Inn: Yes, I hate the fact that this giant monstrosity of  a hotel was built, effectively cutting the Blue Mermaid off from the rest of downtown. But they’ve been booking some good music of late at their bar, including Pondering Judd frontman Marty England. I’ve been meaning to check this place out.

Sakurabana: It may be the same now as it was when it was Sakura, which I loved. But I think it’s changed hands since then, and I haven’t eaten there recently, so I can’t give it a fair (or even an unfair) evaluation.

The Wellington Room: Rachel Forrest tells us they just added a bar. I haven’t been yet. But I did see a dude accidentally drop pint glass off the Wellington deck smack in the middle of Harpoon Willy’s one time. Fortunately, there were no casualties.

As always, if we’ve missed any place (and chances are we have) please shoot us an e-mail at iambeerdrinker@gmail.com or post a comment and we’ll be sure to add it in. We’ll also be updating this along the way as we find out more about some of the places we haven’t spent a lot of time at.

– Mr. X