Hey Mr. X, can we please stop talking to women? I mean it.
I just want to go out and drink some beer. Women are too much trouble.
They always want stuff. Or, they want no part of you. Or maybe they do and you can’t figure out their calculus. And that can be pretty depressing.
So, let’s drink beer and not talk to women. OK?
Look, I know there’s no shortage of good looking ones in this town. No doubt about it. But man, I always wind up in some kind of trouble because of them. I would rather be like Mark Whalberg in that Saturday Night Live skit where he’s such a dumbass he doesn’t know the animals aren’t talking back.
At least then I would feel like I’m communicating effectively when I’m talking to the chicken. Know what I mean?
And one more thing, no more saying — “Hey you HAVE TO go talk to her.” It’s always the woman who is completely plugged into her girlfriends and is wearing blinders so big they remind me of those head cones animals have to wear after they have an important operation at the vet.
You promised you’d stop forcing to go-talk-to-her thing after that last disaster at The Press Room with that 30-year-old blond who said she never read and could sort of, sometimes, write a decent e-mail. Remember her? That kind of stuff can lead a man to be looking at those black swirls in the river above the bridge pretty quickly. Or it can drive a man to drink too much — and I just don’t want to do that. So, I am going to take a brief hiatus and get some r&r from the Beer Drinking Report.
How about you and Fredo or The Captain do some writing for a few days — at least until we re-revise our socialization policy.
– The Beer Drinker
The women of Portsmouth just breathed a collective sigh of relief.
It’s your fault. I’m the Beer Drinker, not the Big Talker.
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